As a divorce lawyer, a common question I’m often asked is “When will my divorce will be over?” As frustrating as it may be, as an experienced Dallas divorce lawyer, my answer is always the same - it depends. Let me try to explain why in more detail.
You see, the question is not a simple one because you are actually involved in two separate divorces at the same time - a legal divorce and the real one, and each one is going to have its own timeline and each one may or may not be complicated by different factors.
I won’t go into detail on that distinction between the two divorces here because I have written a blog on that which is available here. In that blog, I go into why it is crucially important to not only understand the difference between the two, but to keep them separated as you go through the divorce process. Please read that later if you haven’t already. But briefly, legal divorce is the process you go through to have the state declare your marriage over and you become a single person again. It also deals with dividing your assets, your finances and setting up a parenting plan for your children. That’s it. That’s all the legal divorce is about.
A real divorce, on the other hand, is the process of separating yourself from the idea of marriage and all the emotions that go along with that. A real divorce has to do with your relationship with your ex, your friends, your family and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. It’s dealing with all the changes in your life and finding your new sense of balance. It’s about ending one chapter in your life and beginning the next.
Now the reason I say “it depends” as to when your LEGAL divorce will be over is because there are too many variables for an honest, simple and accurate time estimate. For example, we’re dealing with two personalities, four if each of you have a lawyer, and I have no idea whether one or more of these personalities are going to be reasonable in their positions or not, whether they’re procrastinators by nature, what their motivations may be to either go quickly or to drag their heals, whether your spouse is going to produce information and documents quickly and efficiently, or whether they’re going to try to hide information and need to have everything dragged out of them using legal procedures.
Then there’s the court system itself and how quickly or slowly they process paperwork and provide court dates for any hearings you might need.
As far as your real divorce, the reason I have to give you the same answer, that “it depends” is that I honestly don’t know you well enough to answer that question. You see, the answer to how long it takes for your real divorce to be over needs to come from you because the reality is that the real divorce will be over when you decide and accept that it’s over.
The real divorce is over when you can let go of the pain, anger, hurt, blame and guilt that stem from your separation.
The real divorce is over when you no longer give your spouse the power to push your buttons. The real divorce is over when you become comfortable in your own life. The real divorce is over when you realize that you are the architect of your own future and when you choose to focus on that as opposed to focusing on the past or get distracted by the reality that your previous plans have now been interrupted.
The real divorce is over when you can be comfortable with the reality that not everything will happen the way you plan……and instead of that being a cause for anxiety, you can be confident that no matter what circumstances are thrown at you, just like the different circumstances are thrown at everyone else on the planet, you will adjust, and you will be fine.
Please also know that you don’t need to deal with the legal or the real divorce all by yourself. It is too much of a weight to carry alone. Get help from a good lawyer or a good mediator who can help you maneuver the intricacies of the legal system so that portion of your divorce can not only be done as quickly as possible, but so it will be done correctly and it won’t come back and become a problem for you in the future.
And please get help from friends, family members, a good therapist, a good life coach or anyone who can help you through the real divorce and to help you realize that you are not defined by your marriage, your spouse or your past. You are a complete person as an individual. Achieve a quiet state of mind and imagine the life you want for yourself. Then take action, one step at a time, towards that mental image until through a process of trial and error, that image becomes reality.
So, when will your divorce be over? Depending on all of the above, the answer may be:
- it will be over very soon
- it will be over many months from now
- it will be over many years from now
- it will never be over.
It’s up to you, and that’s a good thing. The attorneys at The Ashmore Law Firm are here to help you during this difficult time and to help you make the best decisions for your specific situation. Call and speak to one of our attorneys for a confidential and informative analysis of your matter.
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